This morning I felt like it was actually okay to be ME.
Sometimes afraid to be hudged as scattered, but what if, for once, I would accept this aspect of myself so that others can see me fully without being able to enter a fault and activate a scar because now, there's none left to attend. It does not mean I built a fence to protect me from the outside, but I own my shadows so strong that judgements and hurts fall appart even before touching my heart. No possibility to destroy this unity of myself. No possibility to let anyone shake the stability of my identity.
Like if the tapestry of my skin, my bones, my tissues and Self were so strong and adaptative that whatever happens outside does not bother me inside. It does not bother me inside.
Yes I can be moved and touched by another Human being who also shows their authentic heart. But no, I affirm it, I am not hiding behind any ideal anymore, I am me, frankly.
Yes I am quiet small and tiny even though I struggle for body image for years until I realised photoshop existed and I had been manipulated by mass media imageries.
Yes I am quiet hesitant about my business because a part of me would love to be so rich that I would teach for free without feeling anxiety.
Yes I am currently living in a tiny appartment whereas I dream about moving to NYC or in a loft or a dream house in the country.
Yes I am pure Gemini, so full of ideas and sometimes lost in the possible scenarios I want to envison for myself.
Anxious attatchement ? Me ? For sure, on the road to recovery.
No, I am far from being perfect and specially if you start to draw an ideal of what my taggs should represent for you : the business woman, the "femme fatale" while being cute and never vulgar, not average, talented but very humble, accessible but knowing her worth... Man, that's a whole life journey and I am glad to learn how to embody my real, authentic nature.
Luxury, Creativity, Travels and Connection are my pillars, my daily essential.
Like a compass, guiding me to say "no" (even when I still feel like a bit*** to refuse an opportunity) or "yes" to something greater. Greater in the sense that it supports who I want to become. Who I am becoming.
Yes, yes, I am becoming.
A part of me still feel it's all fake, still is so disassociated from her body and gut that maybe I am sleeping whil the character on my dream is writing these lines ?
Pinch me please.
Oh yes, I am alive!
Alive and tired to settle for fear. To settle because I do not want to be mean or too much or not pretty enough. Tired to be tied up in a role that is not vast enough to contain the endless creativity I was born to embody.
It is me. Looking for my raw, pure and charismatic identity. It is me, and proud to be!
I love you
I see you
I am with you
Elisa